A cornucopia of stubborn yet fickle minded girl

When I was 27 - single, lonely, desperate and pathetic, and after all the failure endeavors, I made a policy decision - 'i'm not dating anymore. I'm goin to stop searchin, even subconsciously, for Mr Right'. Perhaps I've had enough of getting dressed up, and wondering if I smelled nice, tryin my best to impress and waiting for that damn phone call. At that time I loved my job, enough money to splurge on unneccessary items sometimes and living alone in an apartment. That time the ideologies of togetherness and marriages didnt seem to work on me. Love is a pure make-believe. yea... yea...

(okkay here comes the long kisah cinta part)

Until I met this skinny guy... well basically didnt know he was skinny. I've always have this thing bout skinny guys. Met Danil in a chatroom. Actually I was chatting to his friend whom I was introduced to by my pet sis in Hartamas. After we traded e-mail addresses, we clicked as friends and one day he invited me into a chatroom, full of his friends. And there I was, the loner, babbling about how I love skinny guys, skaters, nice teeth and so on. Suddenly my friend posted a message

' Lish, Danil tu skater. Kurus tinggi. Gigi dia I tak check la pulak. Pi la chat ngan Danil'.

So I said Hi. He said Hi back. That's how we met. Messengger was the only medium of interaction between us ( with the help of webcam sometimes) for 3 months, till he decided to call me and informed me that he's going to Cyberjaya later to lepak with his friends and he was wondering whether he can meet up with me.

All over again I got so hyped up. Took me 1 hour to choose which baju to wear. Drove to Streetmall to get a hairwash - that sultry, bouncy hairdo (ceh i spent $27 tau).

First time we saw each other face to face ... Oh my...

My reaction : 'F**k! Damn Cute.'F**k'F**k'F**k'F**k... Why does he look so damn young.. 'F**k'F**k'F**k'F**k he looks 18. Didnt he say he's 23? My god.. he's cute... oh can I love him now'?

His reaction : 'Nice hair. Nice Fringe. Man is that G-string she wearing? Damn.. she doesnt look 27 to me. '

Basically we met every weekend after that. He asked me to be his GF after 3 months of seeing each other. We got engaged after 11 months. We got married after 18 months. It was pretty fast for some people. But... its hard to explain...

Sometimes I wonder. How on earth did I change my perception and beliefs about bein strong and single, just in few seconds when I laid my eyes on him for the first time? Where did all those egoistical girlpower mayhems gone to?Was I...... In denial? Too pathetic? Too weak to admit that I am lonely and I needed love? i donno la... Love is strangefully, mysteriously and wonderfully weird.

Whenever i look back about this wonderful experience of meeting my husband, it is still a mystery to me. Sweet, special and lovely, but mysterious. In split seconds I fell in love with a boy who is 4 years younger than me. In split seconds he started to adore a 27-year old lady in front of him. In split seconds I felt like... home. In split seconds we were so comfortable of each other's presence.

the end....

our differences and the stares that we get from people because he wears jeans and t-shirts, with spiky hair and sling back to work - I wear office suits, nicely done backcomb hair and a briefcase. - yet we still hold hands whenever and wherever (if you guys have seen an odd couple like this is klcc/a.point, thats us lah heheh)

The Journey Begins

This is the first post I'm writing after the change of status. IT took 2 months before I finally able to gear up all my thoughts and emotions (blah!) in writing something beneficial and education (hum?) to all.

I had a great wedding. It was such a happy phase, perhaps one of the most happiest phase of my life. Tho it was one of the most tiring events too, it was well worth it. I loved every single bit of everything.

Of course there were some bumps and grumps, specially the idiotic and so not professional caterers from Zarinah's catering that contributed to many sleepless nights, worrying about what people have commented. Tho the 'war' didnt end good, at least I managed inform the owner some good stuff that she will remember for the rest of her lives. Honesty is the best policy. Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep u long up there.

Anyhow, married life. Ahh.. how sweet... Well, so many people have given me their best advice on marriage and how to understand each other bla bla bla. Thank you for the good advice. I truly appreciate it.

To those who are thinking of tying the knot, make sure you get married because you are truly ready, emotionally and financially and not because you think that you are too old and you need to settle down. Not because your parents are asking you to settle down. Not because you think you have to have him/her now before someone else takes him/her. Not because the hotel's ballroom is only available at that specific date. Please dont rush it. It doesnt matter when, or how old you will be or how annoying your parents are. Its should be all about you. Make sure you are all prepared and ready.

I was ready and I was really looking forward to mine. It was a bliss. Looking at each other's eyes, feeling the love (really, you do feel that 'love is in the air' kinda aura) and stuff. IT was great.

Nonetheless, these words are very important : know, understand, adapt, sacrifice, let go. Oh.. another BIG word - habits!!!!

Well, I'm not gonna pour all the details here, but it shall take a while for a newlyweds to finally sail smoothly. My parents told me it took them a year. My sister told me it took them 6 months, some 3 months. Well, it depends on the rate that each couple is going. Not sure how long mine is gonna take though... but I really hope that the bumpy rides wont be as tough as climbing rocky mountains.

I am trully blessed. He's the perfect one. The one I've always imagined (physically). His personality is a blast, apart from him bein such a brat when he has to wake up in the morning (warrgghhh!!!)

Anyhow, hopefully this journey will be till eternity. Insyaallah. See you later!

boomerang

People say what goes around comes around. ( or - )
What goes up must go down.
Bullshit will get u up there but it wont make u stay long.

Things that we have comitted, whether good or bad are like boomerang. it comes back to you. Either you benefit from it, or you suffer.It happens to all. To you. To me. To anybody. Its a walk of life. You either get happiness, respect, love, affection or you are doomed by deceits, low self esteem, immaturity or denial. Emotional boomerang.

I write blog to express what i feel. BLog is a place where u can pen (maybe type) down what u feel as everybody is entitled to their own opinion, as long as you do not cross the line by mentioning specific identities like name or relations or perhaps gender for that matter.Another friend of mine has to stop blogging due to law implementations from another friend of his. Yes a blog can be a dangerous tool too, if you arent careful enough. Thats a real life boomerang. His experience is a lesson for me. The road to blogging successfully.I do have a friend of is very daring in mentioning names and even addresses. In some perspectives, i trully respect her. She got guts. Undoubtedly, she doesnt get shots or lasers or even bazookas from people yet. Maybe thats a boomerang in the making. Hmm thats amazing as she plainly beleives that she is entitled to her own opinion.An old friend of mine keeps on telling me that i am entitled to my own opinion. yes i am. and you are too. Just remember where to draw the line. Or else you will feel the wind coming to your face, the first hint of boomerang coming in your way.

I write based on what i feel. I dont wish for people to sympathise with me or lending me a helping hand. It is just a blog. I feel better when i can put all my emotions into words. If you feel this blog, then i feel you. We can share. If you feel as if its meant for you, perhaps u can use it as a foundation to learn. If you feel as if it is something that will screw u inside and upside, then stop reading haha.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. nuff said!

Sometimes in this life... there is no guarantee that good deeds will get good deeds in return. Sometimes you tend to get the whiplash of your good intentions. That means u throw the boomerang without following the direction of the wind. Hits u right on the forehead.

Sometimes you get the blame for doing something that you thought right. Sometimes you get the blame for defending someone that you care. Sometimes you get the blame for doing nothing. Boomerang not working properly i might conclude.Sometimes no matter what you do, you are still wrong. Where is the thin line that draws between the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do? Is there even a line to begin with?

A simple mistake of trust has scarred me for life. I was depressed but im recovering slowly. Constantly reminding myself to always move forward but going straight will get me nowhere; I’ve been nice to people only to loose what I have. *poof*

just quit it

quit

I have came across few lives who are opportunists. I made a mistake, or perhaps mistakes by befriending them, thinking that they might change one day, to be better people. I helped them to a certain extend so that I would like them to know that people still care. But, it was all a waste of time, money, energy and spirit.

Sometimes, you cant just expect people to change their opinion about you. Meaning, to judge you differently after a period of knowing you. You help people because you care and because you are willing to help and you arent biased at all. But some people just love to take advantage on that. They hate you because their friends loath you. So they just blindly hate you tho you didnt do anything wrong to them. They are like 'lalang'. They just follow the wind. Or the just follow someone whom they can take advantage on in the future. They will be close to you, tho they are not honest about it because they need your help. After they got what they needed, they would just continue hating you and even more daring in expressing their hatred to you. well, they got that they wanted so you become their past tense.

Sometimes, you just cant expect people to change although on their own. Some of them will never change. Some of them will always be opportunists, in a negative way, obviously, until they are heavily burdened with debts and they just die.

Talk about money, hell have I lost almost it all because of these people whom, excuse me, I used the term 'friends'. For them, I am like their 24-hour bank, no need guarantor. They only come to me when they need shelter, free food and money or even transportation, as if I own a charity center. They only remember me when they are in trouble, financially to be exact. They only remember me starting from mid of the month till end of the month, before they get their pay. But after they get their salary, I am no longer exist, at least for the next 10 days before they come back crawling.

Talk about another thing, some people just do not have a brain that they can use. They party, party party, they don't study or they often on MC or come to work late. All they do is partying non-stop and they forget their duties as a staff or as students. Then there I am, finishing up their assignments, helping them out with some readings and checking things for them, hoping that they will learn. No they dont.
These selfish and idiotic people lever learn from the mistakes that they have done and they still keep on doing it. They come to you when they need help. They will go away and pretend they do not know you after they got what they have wished for. When they get their salary, they dont remember the ground. They don't remember anything. They only know how to have fun.

They would wine and dine at expensive places, have coffee and muffins at Coffee Bean or Starbucks for that matter, shop at MNG or TopShop, go buy makeups, drive here and there like there's no tomorrow and what not. What they forget is, they can't afford that. no they don't. But they would like to taste what high end life is like. they can taste it once and thats it. but they like to taste it every single month as if they are rich. they would just spend their time effortlessly, without having to think that there are other responsibilities and priorities on their shoulders. If they are wondering how on earth did i manage to know about their wellbeings, just put it this way. People have eyes. People can see. People report.

What they forget is, my second point, to pay back what they have borrowed. Oh no.. they don't remember that. What they do remember is, by the 12th, I will be broke again so I will go back to my money lender. Borrow more money. Add it up to the sum. Pile it up. Make it higher. Make it more difficult for you to pay back.

They only know how to enjoy life. They know nothing about saving money and living their life according to what they earn and what they can afford. They live by the day. For the irresponsible spats, they just don't know how to plan their day. What to prioritise. What to finish first. What's more important in life other than partying till you are so druink you dont remember who you slept with. Gruesome people they are.

I think I may put a stop to this. I want to be mean and strict from now on. No more helping these people who will never learn and who will take advantage on people. I want to see them suffer by their own doings from now on. I will not help. I will not seek for Revenge. Let Allah the Almighty decides.

note to the public

I write blogs based on what I feel. As long as I do not mention any specific names, please do not bother to take it personally. If you do, maybe you do have a bit of a problem with yourself. So dont come and grudge at me.
I admit that I am stressed out over loads of matters. Altar jitters, currency mayhems, love obsessions, series of taken abacks, propagandas of ill-mannered betrayals that might not seem to be that influential towards my goals in breathing but it ticks me off nowadays and lastly, striving to live in peace and harmony without any scrutinizing rats.
Maybe I will find peace soon. Maybe when I start to listen carefully to what Danil says. <-- ok thats a name.

a bit of intelligence happened

rationale

The beauty and the nature are subject to the individuals….it works like a Newton 3rd law, every action has an equal and reaction…the human chemistry is very confusing like a periodic table. Sometimes it takes place and gives positive results and sometimes negative….once again subject to the individuals….if you notice that it doesn’t matter what chapter you study of your life...

The ideology of life circles around the same principles and concepts. The concept of this multi level friends networking is to broaden your circle of friends and one who is optimist and open to all sort of discussions…is hitting in the block hole…. This is the beginning of a new phase of conversation and I do expect a good response rather than an excuse of busy life….remember the response and reactions are subject to any discrimination against you hahaha...

ode to my danil

this soul of mine can't contempt the depth of the emotions of this heart for thee. no rumble can deter the dew so pure nor innocent.overrated it may seem, truth may roam due to the unconditional love i have for thee..if not now,may tomorrow will. away sorrow to delight, shining star without you, my soul cries. for all, to you, for you, i will.

murakimojuly1,2005 cyberheights villa.

fast forward

I dont need to be reminded about what has happened in the past. its a closed book for all I care.

I dont need to be reminded about what we used to do and how fun it was for us. It is all gone. with the wind. Out.

I dont need to be reminded upon things we used to share and how it made great impacts before. Past tense.
With an 'ed'.

No use thinking back. Obsolete. Ancient. Extinct. Zero.

We didnt achieve anything fruitful at the end of the day, did we?Look here. Concentrate. It was all wasted. Broken. None.

Whats left is tomorrow. Whats left is now.There's humungous changes in today's life. A new chapeter. A new world.

I have started walking. Away from the yesteryears. Seems like you dont. Sporadic habit, as if. Continously preyin on new blooming flowers. Searching for future victims. Searching for helpless people to provide you shelter.What goes around comes around. Life ain't as sweet as you thought it would taste like. Take my hint.. Move on. Clear it out. You got nothing to lose. You might gain back your life.

The Opposite SEX- The Ultimate Monologue
1. Do you have a boyfriend?
(look left).(look right).(no one). Yes I do.

2.If you do, whats his name? Hiefnie and that villain chap from Charlie's Angels 2.

3. How long have you been together? Seems ages... 2 months haha

4.How did you guys meet? Internet - MSN Messenger Chatroom, thanks to Aby Hurairah.

5.How often do you meet each other? Everyday. Or on alternate days. Sometimes only at weekends. Cant seem to live without him cause hes the only one who doesnt answer me back.

6. If you have a boyfriend, what are his characteristics that you like most?
I adore his patience, his skinny yet fragile body, his willingness to drive my car everywhere, his passion of watching dvds and just hanging out at home with me, his workmanships on cleaning my car, his greediness in eating 2 plates of nasi, his digilency in tryin to make jokes, and most of all, his kind heart.

7. If you have a bf, what are his characteristics that u dont like?
His ability to reverse park and his kentalness towards my yacking.. or Trying to make jokes maybe. But i laugh at his every single joke, i do! i do!

8. What is your fondest memory with your bf?Heh... When I taught him how to reverse park.AWESOME!

9. Where do you often spend time together?
Inside my car. We often communicate inside me car (or maybe i talk, he listens). Usually when he picks me up fr work, on on the way back to his place, or on the way to KL... semuanya dalam kreta lah. Boring! As we both stay at different corners of the universe.

10.How many times have you guys fought?
None. Usually I will start making false statements bout us cause im bored with him being too nice to me and i yack yack yack alone while he sits there watching me making a fool of myself. When i finally stop yacking, he would sigh. Agak pendiam orangnya. But he will open his mouth if i say somethin bout his gorgeous brother bwoohooo... terasa di cabar heh.

11. What makes him look attractive to you?Almost everything. Maybe his hair.We both are totally the opposite of each other. Im a loudmouth, he's a shy kitten. Im fat. he's damn skinny. Im old, hes young. I yack a lot, he listens a lot... opposite attracks cam lagu paula abdul lak...

12. What makes him fall for you?
Am I supposed to angkat bakul sendiri here? Well he said Im like a mother. And he said im like a mother to all his friends. Hmm I am still in doubt whether thats good or bad.Maybe he likes listening to me whining.

13.Do you have any plans for the future? heheh..I usually 'threaten' him on a daily basis about our future and i will start yacking about it inside the car non stop and he would just drive the car and would say nothing. What do you think? hehe

14. Imagine both of you in 10 years timeI would still be yacking non-stop and he would still be the same hiefnie, the quiet hiefnie, maybe a rather fofular hiefnie with millions of albums sold. Maybe we would have 1 daughter, named Emerald Cinta Sari hehe. or 1 son named Edgar Bachtiar Prawira. Woohoo.

15. Do you think by answering this quiz, it would help to strengthen your relationship? Jeezz.. I'd still yack at him inside the car when he comes to pick me up in 10 minutes time as we gotta pick up his sister at the hostel. I will be the same, he will be the same. Majulah Sukan Untuk Negara

Eternal bitchin of the spotless mind

Im pretty curious why certain types of people just cant live happily without having to interfere with other people's happiness. Im talking in general here, mind you. hellya it does have a pinch of connection with what im feeling and what i am experiencing right now but it certainly does affect everybody. well.. not everybody. only those who are keen enough to read my blog.

sometimes i tend to forget that people can actually read this blog. most of the time i am in denial, thinking that nobody actually gives a freakin care about blogs. most people, yes even until now do not even realize the existance of blogging.

okkay i am starting to merapik rapik. back to the topic.

I must admit that I havent been doing a lot of research regarding this topic. i just decided to write about this a minute ago and i just wanna let my fingers coincide with my feelings, with a wee bit of ignorance from my brain. i just wanna let out what i feel. not specifically bazooka-ed to someone. its just a gist of generalism. hmm changed my mind. actually it is dedicated to several people whom, deep in my heart. the deepest core section in my heart, being labelled with such bad lexis. okkay. straight to the point. i call them bitches and sluts. wait! wait! these terms arent generic okkay. these terms are for the use of both gender. male and female.

I have experienced a lot of shitties in my life though i aint that old yet. these life threatening experiences have contributed a lot to my sudden change of personality.

I have learned not to trust people so much although they might be your relatives, your close friends, not so close friends and also enemies.

Sometimes it breaks your heart to se someone else happy <--- this is dedicated to you Bs, Ss and Ws.
I am beginning to feel the ambience of jealousy amongst the community within me in regards to my personal life, my career and also my family.

So what? I have him, you cant have him and now u want me not to have him? why? he aint interested in you. u aint gonna get him anyway! .buzz off.

So what? I own a car, although it starts to get crappier, but its a gift from my parents, and you are havin a stint because u aint got one? buy one! u aint gonna get my car anyway! buzz off.

So what? I aint workin with the government and I am havin a good life here in kL while u are sent to ulu places and you are jealous because you arent me? Then resign and find a job in KL. U aint gonna get my job anyway. Plus, you arent payin for my loan anyway! buzz of.

So what? Im livin on my own while u gotta live with your folks and you are jealous because u aint me? Rent a freakin apartment then. U aint gonna get my cozy pad anyway! buzz off.

I admit i used to be such a futile bitch but i have changed. i aint all that like 4 years ago.
let me deal with my life the way i want to corner it. let me organise my life the way i want it to be. let me be lisa lish. you can be anybody you want, as long as not lisa lish.